2 Mommies and a Baby


Thursday, November 16, 2006

a big step

I'm going to do it. I am going to tell my Grandma!

When I tried to get my mother to talk to her parents about Lois and I, she said "no way, that's all on you!"

She's pretty sharp, so she has probably figured out that the woman I take out with me to California for visits, the woman who I bought a house with and share a checking account with, is more than a "buddy".

I have no idea how she will react. She loves her grandchildren, but she is also a huge Rush Limbaugh fan. And she's the only 80 year old I know who drives a red Mercury Cougar with tinted windows.

This is very hard. I know a letter is cowardly, but I think it will enable me to get everything out and give her time to soak it all in before she responds.

Here's what I have so far:


I am writing you a letter and not expressing all of this over the phone because I think it’s easier for me right now. I want you to know how much I love you and Grandpa and how important it is for me to tell you this.

As you might have guessed, Lois and I are a couple. We have a very happy and healthy relationship. Due to the solidarity of our relationship, we have decided to start a family.

Lois is pregnant with a baby boy due in February. Once the baby is born, I will legally adopt him and we will raise him together as our son.

I know this is a lot to absorb at once and I want to give you time to take this all in.

I want you to know that I am very, very happy with my life. I could not imagine keeping my happiness from you.

I took me a very long time to be able to tell you and I am sorry for not being honest with you sooner. It has been very difficult over the years to worry about a lack of acceptance from my loved ones.

Sigh. This is hard.

I keep wondering how she will take it. Will she tell my grandfather?

Anyone done this? Any help?
posted by Holly at 9:27 AM


The letter sounds great.

When I told my grandmother, she said she already knew. She was easier to tell than my mother--actually more accepting of it. My mother took more time to realize it wasn't a phase or something they had done wrong. My grandmother just said she knew and wanted me to be happy.

So you never know. She may just surprise you. And I'm sure she'll tell your grandfather.

10:15 AM  

I never actually told my grandmother, she just figured it out at one point. She loves AJ and Charlie to death and it has never once mattered to her. Of course this is also the same grandmother who asked at the Christmas dinner table what a vibrator was and if I ever used one (right before she asked my uncle Greg to explain blow jobs to her and then replied "Oh, I've done that") so she's not your typical 85 year old woman!
AJ's maternal grandmother has also known for as long as I can remember, and she accepted it WAY better than AJ's parents did. Her paternal grandparents, on the other hand, were told. By AJ's mom. It started with the "well, they are a couple" to which grandma replied "of course they are, I'm not stupid." and then the "and they're having a baby" to which grandma said "you might want to let me tell Al (grandpa) when we're alone." And even though they are conservative Bush backers racist old southerners, things have gone just fine.
I think grandparents normally take it well. I think the longer you've lived, the more you've realized that as long as people are happy, it's all that matters. The ability to judge people so superficially fades with age.

10:22 AM  

I haven't told any of my grandparents that I have a boyfriend now. I figure if/when I get engaged and stuff I might break it to them, but for now to undo all the coming out I did, well, it will just be easier to leave things be.

11:20 AM  

I think your letter to your grandmother is really good. It's a big, scary step and I really related to how you feel. It's a hard thing to do. I waited a really long time to tell my grandmother about my partner and me, and, as you suspect with your grandmother, she had already figured it out. She was just waiting for me to tell her. Now she's very excited about meeting her next great-grandchild (my partner is 34 weeks pregnant.)

I told my grandmother in person, but only because by the time I told her, I was pretty used to telling people (that's not to say I wasn't nervous!) and I knew she’d figured it out. But when I told everyone else, I did it in letters, because I figured it gave people the chance to have their real initial reaction without feeling pressured to have the reaction I wanted them to have or feeling regret later for how they reacted, and it saved me the stress of having to deal with people's initial reactions if they weren't what I'd hoped for. The other good thing about a letter is that you remember to say everything you need to say. Most people called me right away once they’d read the letter, but my intention was to follow up with a phone call after a couple of days.

Good luck with this big step!

11:51 AM  

Kyra's grandparents(also 80 years old) were much more accepting than her parents. My grandparents were long gone before Kyra showed up in the picture. The letter is beautifully written, and she may all ready suspect. They're a pretty cool generation.

Let us know how it goes!

12:05 PM  

Congratulations on telling your grandmother. Such a big step! I recently told my grandmother in a letter and she received it much better than I could have hoped. You've done a great job in writing it. Let us know how it goes.

2:48 PM  

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