2 Mommies and a Baby
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Friday, January 12, 2007
my own little breakdown
Lois has had a few breakdowns during this pregnancy/bed rest thing. Actually, she’s only had maybe two. Which is pretty good.
It was me who had the latest breakdown.
I’m not sure what really set me over the edge, but it happened last night.
I was upset because I was busy at work and had to leave to play tennis in my mother’s group because I was too absorbed in life that I forgot to find a sub.
I was upset because I have to much to do at work and had to bring work home and hate leaving this “new great career job” for other obligations.
I was upset because if Lois went into labor last night or today, I would feel awful about all of the loose ends at work, and I hate feeling that way.
I was upset because I just didn’t want to screw everything up.
I was upset that I needed to get stuff to eat for dinner because I hadn’t been grocery shopping and all Lois had to eat in the house was frozen bourbon chicken and one piece of pizza.
I was upset that I was going grocery shopping at Stew Leonard’s and I didn’t know what to get because Lois wasn’t with me.
I was upset because I heard that Target was having a HUGE sale on winter infant clothes and I really wanted to go get some 12-18 month stuff but Lois couldn’t come with me.
I was upset that Lois’ mother hasn’t bought the crib yet and is using the fact that I don’t have the room done as a reason.
I was upset because everything costs money and the town property taxes are due this month.
I was upset that Lois’ boss is being an ass and will fight having to give her unemployment so she will be hanging in this oblivion of unpaid leave until she finds another job.
I was upset because I am so out of shape and heavy that my clothes don’t fit and one hour of tennis made my back hurt again.
I was upset that my stupid Hyundai is less than 2,000 miles away from the 100,000 mile warranty being up, it’s been in the shop 3 times in the past 8 weeks and still has that fucking rattle somewhere underneath the car.
It’s all silly little stuff, I know.
I’m not much for crying but Lois cracked me last night, knowing that something was wrong.
We cried together as she held me in bed. Then, I fell into a fit of restless sleep for the rest of the night.
I feel awful that she’s the one going through the insanity of the bed rest, no income thing and I’m supposed the be the one keeping everything together. The last thing I want to do is stress her out even more.
On my way to work this morning, Bryan Adam’s “Have you Ever Really Loved a Woman” came on and I cried. I think it was the “can you see your unborn children in her arms?” that did it to me.
Sigh.
In the grand scheme of things, I know there are so many bright sides to what we are going through right now, but I still just needed a breakdown I guess.
It was me who had the latest breakdown.
I’m not sure what really set me over the edge, but it happened last night.
I was upset because I was busy at work and had to leave to play tennis in my mother’s group because I was too absorbed in life that I forgot to find a sub.
I was upset because I have to much to do at work and had to bring work home and hate leaving this “new great career job” for other obligations.
I was upset because if Lois went into labor last night or today, I would feel awful about all of the loose ends at work, and I hate feeling that way.
I was upset because I just didn’t want to screw everything up.
I was upset that I needed to get stuff to eat for dinner because I hadn’t been grocery shopping and all Lois had to eat in the house was frozen bourbon chicken and one piece of pizza.
I was upset that I was going grocery shopping at Stew Leonard’s and I didn’t know what to get because Lois wasn’t with me.
I was upset because I heard that Target was having a HUGE sale on winter infant clothes and I really wanted to go get some 12-18 month stuff but Lois couldn’t come with me.
I was upset that Lois’ mother hasn’t bought the crib yet and is using the fact that I don’t have the room done as a reason.
I was upset because everything costs money and the town property taxes are due this month.
I was upset that Lois’ boss is being an ass and will fight having to give her unemployment so she will be hanging in this oblivion of unpaid leave until she finds another job.
I was upset because I am so out of shape and heavy that my clothes don’t fit and one hour of tennis made my back hurt again.
I was upset that my stupid Hyundai is less than 2,000 miles away from the 100,000 mile warranty being up, it’s been in the shop 3 times in the past 8 weeks and still has that fucking rattle somewhere underneath the car.
It’s all silly little stuff, I know.
I’m not much for crying but Lois cracked me last night, knowing that something was wrong.
We cried together as she held me in bed. Then, I fell into a fit of restless sleep for the rest of the night.
I feel awful that she’s the one going through the insanity of the bed rest, no income thing and I’m supposed the be the one keeping everything together. The last thing I want to do is stress her out even more.
On my way to work this morning, Bryan Adam’s “Have you Ever Really Loved a Woman” came on and I cried. I think it was the “can you see your unborn children in her arms?” that did it to me.
Sigh.
In the grand scheme of things, I know there are so many bright sides to what we are going through right now, but I still just needed a breakdown I guess.
10 Comments:
Wow! Quite a day. You know, we 'caretakers' seem to be able to handle the big things just fine; it's the little ones that get to us. Hang in there; you'll make it. It's great that you have her there to make you face how you feel and help make you feel better. Keep up the good work! :)
Hey dude!!! Stay cool it will all work out in the end.. Just hire a great nanny like you parents did.. (-;
We all breakdown and you don't have to be strong all the time. You're doing the best you can and it seems like you're doing an awesome job.
I second what Stacey says; you're human too! No one is perfect & damn there's a lot on your plate right now. Try to be gentle with the expectations you have for yourself through all of this :)
Don't feel bad, everyone needs to have a breakdown once in awhile. Better now before the baby comes. It all can seem very overwhelming, but once your baby comes, none of it will matter!
Well no wonder you feel so stressed...you are carrying a lot of stress and responsibility, and are "supposed" to keep it together all the time. That takes a lot out of a person. It's really great that you got it out.
You have a lot of responsibilities... don't get too down on yourself... we all have down days and days we just aren't sure how to proceed. But, take care of yourself and don't forget to breathe!
All those little things add up to a lot of stress! I think most people are pretty stressed about the unknown shortly before their child is born anyway, but you have had to deal with it being "any day now" for what, over 7 weeks now? Really, when you said a few posts back that you left work every day with the thought that you might not be in the next day, it really struck me what a lot of pressure and uncertainty that must be. You BOTH are doing amazingly well at holding things together for that little guy, but breakdowns in your situation should be expected, and maybe even therapeutic.
Wow! You are carrying quite a load. It will all sort itself out. Give yourself a chance to breathe. No sense having Lois in Labor & Delivery while you are in the Cardiac Unit. Take care. By the way, don't worry so much about the crib just yet. We didn't even use ours until Olivia was 3 months old. She slept in a pack-n-play in our room for the first few months.
I love that song, by the way. I can imagine it was a tear jerker for you today.
I have my own little breakdowns all the time! I'm impressed you've made it this long!!! Afterwards I always feel guilty as well. But, heck, this isn't easy for us either. I found relief in two whole beers this weekend!! Football and beer! Absolute therapy!
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