2 Mommies and a Baby

We don't really know what our goal is.

I think as close to full term as possible is the real goal, but for now it's 32 weeks as the point upon which we breathe a little easier.

Until then, we are setting weekly goals and Lois proudly announced yesterday that she had made it one full week on bed rest and she thinks she will get through this!!!

Lois wants to spend weekdays at her parents’ house and the weekends at our place.
Her reasoning for this is that she doesn’t want to be alone.

I am thinking of having the conversation with her that we shouldn’t be going back and forth at all – even if it’s only a 4 mile trip on back roads while she is lying in the back seat.

There are so many factors involved for what would be the best location.

HOME:

- non-volunteer ambulance service (with a neo-natal care unit)
- home is more comfortable, right?
- All Lois’ shows on DVR
- Not having to deal with Lois’ parents all the time
- 10 minutes closer to the hospital
- More friends will visit

THE IN-LAWS
- someone is always there
- Lois’ father can get her to the hospital quick
- Lois’ mother will wait on her all day
- Only one floor – no need to climb stairs for a shower

I don’t know. I hate putting more restrictions on her, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t mention to the doc yesterday that she was thinking of switching locations 2x a week.

I don’t want to think that I am forcing her to make a decision that would make me more comfortable or that would allow us the ability to be together every night.

Am I being unreasonable and overly neurotic for thinking she should just pick one place and stay there until at least week 32???

Any thoughts out there?

Here we are at Day 6 of bed rest!






Lois is quite the trooper!

We have a twin size cot set up in the living room at home and Lois is open to visitors and phone calls 24/7.

She will most likely be home in this position on the weekends and probably at her parents' house during the week. I know she shouldn't be moving much, but she doesn't want to be by herself while I'm at work.

Unfortunately, Lois will not be able to be online during the week, but we're working on getting her to do some blog posting during her immobile stint.

As for the little guy, he's more active then ever. He's moving approximately 75 times a day and I can now see Lois' belly move from the couch across the room.

He apparently does not know that we are concerned about him coming too early. He's bouncing around like crazy and all we can do is holler at him "STAY AWAY FROM THE CERVIX!"

We are home!!!

After 3 days at Lois' parents' house, we are home! No hospital stay for now.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes!!!

We had the ultrasound this morning and nothing is any worse. Lois is complying with the "strict bed rest" instructions.

We'll talk to the doctor again on Monday.

Since the hospital closer to our house has a better NICU and it's only a mile away, we will probably need to have a conversation with our doctor (who we love) to see if we should switch to a doctor out of this hospital.

It appears that this is our only option right now. A cerclage (stitch) might have been a possibility a few weeks ago, but not anymore.

I think we can get some time out of this so long as Lois can hang in there. She is already bored.

Our little guy is estimated to be around 2.5 lbs. His head is exactly over the funnelage that is opening the cervix. Let's hope he hangs in there.

Our doctor left a cute and somewhat long winded message on Wednesday giving Lois some encouragement that she sees many women get a ton of time on bed rest and have very healthy babies.

Let's get as much time as we can!

Our goal for now is at least Christmas. (that's about 33 weeks)

As for now, Lois will probably spend weekends at home and weekends at her parents' house so that someone is home with her.

Now if only I could figure out how to hook up the wireless modem at her parents' house for her to use the laptop!!!!

What I understand of all this is the following:

The cervix is about an inch thick. This is what holds the fluid and the baby in the uterus.

In the time from the last ultrasound a few weeks ago to today, the cervix has been failing and only about less than 1/5 remains. And what is there is too soft to hold.

We will know more on Friday when we go to the hospital for an ultrasound.

We are at 28 weeks. We've been told that every 2 weeks is crucial. The more time our little boy stays in there, the less time he will be in the NICU.

Lois is at her parents' house and will stay there until the hospital visit on Friday. I will stay there with her at least tonight.

The big conversation will happen after Friday (if she is not admitted to the hospital) on whether she wants to stay home or at her parents'.

For now, we are just focusing on her not moving anywhere!

who gives a rat's ass about baby showers.

We are at 28 weeks tomorrow.

Remember I said we were worried about the cervix due to Lois' history of cervical cancer and 2 LEEP procedures.

She is at the doctor's right now arguing with them about a possible hospital stay.

She will be on strict bedrest and they are injecting steriods to quicken the baby's development.

Maybe we can hold on for another few weeks.

More to come later.

In line with the previous post, since we are having our own shower with our own rules, when should we do it?
I was definitely thinking BEFORE the baby was born, but am getting some people saying to do it after.
I would like to get the baby stuff organized BEFORE the baby comes, but other people think that's a silly reason.

Should we have our friend shower before or after the baby is born?
	Before - so guests can see a cute pregnant Lois
	After - so guests can see a cute baby boy
	What? Are you crazy for having two showers?
	Other - for the indecisive who feel like voting anyway
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Let me start off my saying, I know it’s just a baby shower. There are so many more important things to worry about in life and at this point, we really really wish that we weren’t having one. At all. Really.

I am trying to do some damage control this week.

We have always been very, very aware of Lois’ mother’s control issues and complete neurotic behavior. They didn’t speak to each other for 7 years, and something I think they might not have been a bad thing.

My mother-in-law likes to make issues out of seemingly nothing. In August, she told me that SHE is throwing Lois a baby shower.

I originally told her that I wanted to do 2 showers so it wasn’t overwhelming. She said it was a ridiculous idea.

I should have known problems were going to arise when I said “Let’s do it in January, at my parent’s country club and I will get the cake that Lois has been talking about for years.”

Her mother said, “No, we are doing it in November because any later, it will definitely snow and everything will be ruined. I am doing it at the firehouse and I will be making the food and Lois’ sister-in-law will be making the cake.”

OK. Well, at least I got her to move it from November into December. But that, it turns out, would be my only victory.

The biggest debacle came from the guest list.

Here’s the problem: Lois’ family is huge and, I’m not trying to toot our own horns, but we have a ton of friends. The friend thing is because we have groups of friends: the friends from my old job who are probably some of my closest friends now, our lesbian friends, my high school friends, my law school friends, college friends, other local friends, etc.

When you first create a baby shower list, you want an intimate crowd. I had 2 college friends, 5 local friends and 5 law school friends on my list. I figured that out of those 12, probably 6 could make it. Not a problem, right?

Our work friends, the R crowd, is about 17 people. This same group of friends do happy hour together, Super Bowl, housewarmings, and have all been to 4 baby showers in our group in the past 3 years. I cannot chose a handful of people from this group without inviting them all.

The lesbian friends, we have the same problem. Yes, we have 4 couples that we are closest with, but there are 4 more couples that you are pretty close with as well. And lesbian couples have 2 woman in the couple, so it doubles the invitees right there.

Our list of potential invitees was 76 people. I knew it was too big but we were just at a shower with 85 people, so I figured it could be done. Plus, my MIL decided to have the shower at a huge open place where we weren’t paying by the head, so I thought “what the hell?”

We are not looking for as many presents as possible. The problem is that we think a lot of people have shared this journey with us and would want to be there for a celebration of our baby. Hell, don’t bring presents, just come for a good time!!!

I must admit that my biggest mistake was not just deciding from the start to do 2 baby showers and never tell my MIL. I should have just given her a list with my family and a handful of friends and called it a day. What was I thinking?!?!?

My MIL apparently didn’t want to discuss very much with me and had me go through a friend with the invitee list. My biggest mistake was to give her the BIG list.

She flipped out. I went back and forth on the phone with my friend who was trying to resolve this and we started “cutting” people. That part sucked.

Finally, I started the push again for two separate showers. One Friday, my MIL called me and said “we just have to do two separate showers!”
YES!!! OK, FABULOUS!
I told Lois’ everything, so all surprises were ruined, but she is SO EXCITED to help do our baby shower planning. Our shower will be the FUN one!!

So, I sat down with my wife and we went through the guest list deciding who would be at the “family” shower and who would be at the “friend” shower.

We were very proud of our work and I emailed my friend who was the intermediary the final “family shower” guest list. Then I went about my business happy that we were going to have our own fun BBQ-jeans wearing baby shower where we could invite whomever we wanted and do whatever we wanted.

Then, on Wednesday, I got a phone call from an old work friend that went something like this, “I know I am not going to the family shower because we discussed this and I am helping you guys with your own shower, but why did I get an invitation?”

WHAT?!??!?!

After a few phone calls to several friends, I tried to piece together why some people got some invitations and others didn’t. Then, I called Lois’ sister-in-law.

Apparently, my MIL never got the “family shower” guest list and never asked me for any revised list either. Therefore, she decided to take to big list and go through inviting whomever she wanted.

Names she thought were familiar, she sent invites to. People she didn’t like, she didn’t. The result, my high school friends, who due to scheduling, definitely should have been invited to this shower, were not. And people who were probably on the fringe of the friend shower were invited.

She made up her own rules. No one under the age of 25 can come. No one outside of CT or Long Island was invited.

And, Lois’ sister-in-law was going to help with everything and had all kinds of cute ideas for the invitations. For every five invitations, she was going to suggest “if you buy any diapers or clothes, buy for [this age]” and do a children’s book wishing well (which I loved). My MIL was so anxious to get the invitations out, she did it all herself with nothing inside.

What a mess!!!!!

Now, my MIL has been hesitant about giving me the list of who she invited. And I can’t send out invitations to our shower until I fix this one.

So, I am going to sit down on Friday and call everyone on the list. Some people, I will have to invite verbally and some people I will have to explain that it was a mistake and they really should come to the second shower.

Then, I will have to somehow nicely and diplomatically explain to my MIL that some people who were invited aren’t coming, but I invited some other people so her numbers for food won’t be screwed up.

AND...

Since Lois is having the baby, and not me, my friends were not invited.

Now, many of you know that, especially in a lesbian relationship, when you have been together for a significant period of time, one person’s friends become the couple’s friends. How do you distinguish??

Her position is that when I have a baby, I can have a shower and invite my friends.

And I am not going to dwell on the fact right now that my MIL sees this only as Lois’ thing and that I have little to do with it. Sigh.

However, I do have a little evil smile in the back of my head when we tell this woman that we are using MY last name for the baby and she can’t do anything about it.

So, after this gargantuan ramble, I pose a few questions for the readers who actually read through this…

a. How do I un-invite people?
b. How do I approach my MIL after I correct everything?
c. Am I being ridiculous for just wanting just a fun party with our friends and no stress?

Sorry folks, but I don't have pictures yet.

I have a new little nephew!

Benjamin Richard was born Friday morning...8 lbs, 5 oz, 20 inches.

And he is adorable!

My mother now has 3 grandsons. Soon to be 4. No granddaughters yet.

Give it a few years, maybe she'll end up with a granddaughter.

Our little guy is very very active.
Does that mean he's going to be a hyper kid?!?!

The cool thing is now, we both can watch Lois' belly and see it move! We can see a little blip for a kick and sometimes something that looks like a tidal wave from one side to the other. It's so cool.

I wonder if parents didn’t make fusses over things like this, if kids would ever blink an eye over it.

I just don’t get it. What are these parents think they are protecting their children from?

Do you think 4-8 year olds think really far into it when you use the word "love"?

Are these the same parents that let their kids watch movies and play video games that are filled with violence at the age of 5?

I'm going to do it. I am going to tell my Grandma!

When I tried to get my mother to talk to her parents about Lois and I, she said "no way, that's all on you!"

She's pretty sharp, so she has probably figured out that the woman I take out with me to California for visits, the woman who I bought a house with and share a checking account with, is more than a "buddy".

I have no idea how she will react. She loves her grandchildren, but she is also a huge Rush Limbaugh fan. And she's the only 80 year old I know who drives a red Mercury Cougar with tinted windows.

This is very hard. I know a letter is cowardly, but I think it will enable me to get everything out and give her time to soak it all in before she responds.

Here's what I have so far:

Grandma

I am writing you a letter and not expressing all of this over the phone because I think it’s easier for me right now. I want you to know how much I love you and Grandpa and how important it is for me to tell you this.

As you might have guessed, Lois and I are a couple. We have a very happy and healthy relationship. Due to the solidarity of our relationship, we have decided to start a family.

Lois is pregnant with a baby boy due in February. Once the baby is born, I will legally adopt him and we will raise him together as our son.

I know this is a lot to absorb at once and I want to give you time to take this all in.

I want you to know that I am very, very happy with my life. I could not imagine keeping my happiness from you.

I took me a very long time to be able to tell you and I am sorry for not being honest with you sooner. It has been very difficult over the years to worry about a lack of acceptance from my loved ones.

Sigh. This is hard.

I keep wondering how she will take it. Will she tell my grandfather?

Anyone done this? Any help?

We are 27 weeks pregnant today!
Is today the beginning of the 3rd Trimester?
Some things say it is, some say we have another week...I don't know.

- - -

As for some funny Lois commentary of the day, this is an actual statement from my beautiful partner…

[She doesn’t drink, hasn’t in over ten years, and was asked by a friend on Saturday night if she ever misses it or if it ever crosses her mind to have one.]

“Would I even think about having a drink???
That’s like asking me if I would think about having sex with a man!!!
It’s just not going to happen!”

- - -

I was supposed to go to Mohegan Sun yesterday for a fun ‘girls trip’ with my former co-workers that was planned out months ago.

By Friday afternoon, I knew I wasn’t going. Here’s the email I sent out to my buddies:

It appears that my attendance on Sunday is more tenuous than I originally thought.

First of all, it is looking incredibly likely that my sister-in-law may be in New London hospital delivering her second son within the next few days.

Secondly, I found out 15 minutes ago that my former nanny/au pair is flying in from Norway on a spur of the moment trip tomorrow night to see the new baby and apparently, she is staying with me.

Depending how things look between now and Sunday morning, I may, regrettably, be forced to miss the trip.

I was very excited about the trip and spending the day with my buddies, but I hope everyone understands if I can't make it. We will plan another get together soon!

It turns out that our Norway visitor (Marlis) didn’t fly in until late Sunday, but missing the casino trip made things work out anyway.

Our Sunday consisted of the following commitments (minus the casino trip):

1. drive 30 min. east to Spee’s house to pick up baby books and super duper nice glider chair we are being given for free
2. drive 20 min. further east to pick up mom’s spare car for Marlis to drive while she is here
3. get back home to pick up Y. from the hotel where Connecticut Limo dropped her off from the airport and bring her home (40 min. round trip)
4. pick up drill and tools from Lois’ father (or from Shawna – who has ours)
5. fix closet debacle (estimated time = 30 minutes, actual time = 2 hours)
6. Salina and Ben’s for football
7. Meet up with Suz and Kaden
8. Watch the Patriots lose (not the intended outcome of course)
9. Dinner at Lois’ parents at 4 pm
10. DVR/Tivo Cold Case
11. Lois’ nephew’s birthday cake at 6:30 pm
12. Leave for Kennedy airport to pick up Marlis at 7:15 pm
13. Home by 10:30 pm (if Lois drove, we wouldn’t have been home until 11:15 pm)

And we did most of it other than #2, #6, #7 and #10 (dammit). Some things were scrapped because #3 happened sooner than we thought.

I know that our life will completely change when we have a baby.

I wonder what our Sundays will be like when we have a baby.

1. wake up at 2:45 am for screaming baby
2. feed and change baby
3. wake up at 4:20 am for screaming baby
4. feed and change baby
5. wake up at 6:30 am for screaming baby
6. feed and change baby
7. repeat same throughout day less the waking up part
8. take pictures of baby while making silly noises and faces
9. sing, play music and dance to entertain baby
10. attempt to get baby to sleep
11. repeat steps 1 through 6 ad nauseum

Okay, so it won’t be that bad, right? RIGHT!?!??!

OR…

Our lives will changes, but I can probably guess that we will still do our typical Sunday running around and just have the little guy in the car seat, hopefully not crying and pooping all the time.

My brother and sister-in-law are expected their second son (Ben) any day now.

I thought, since it was a second child, the odds of him being early were better.

He’s not here yet.

I can’t wait to meet him.

Thinking about a baby arriving for me makes me curious. Curious what his personality will be. What he will look like. Will Ben look like his older brother?
Not that it matters really, so long as the baby is healthy.

Then, I just keep wondering about what our kid will be like.

I can’t wait to meet him, too.

I was brushing my teeth last night when Lois came in and said "we have a problem" in a very serious tone. She said it about 3 more times and told me to follow her as my mind was whirling thinking about what problem could be so serious at 11 pm on a Saturday night.

This is what we came home to last night.






Our contractors on the house must have thought that they didn't need to put the closet supports into studs. How silly.

Guess what we are doing today.

I keep checking in on BB and Sarah. Little Ziggy is going to be here any day now, it’s so exciting!

- - -

I want to pose a question to the readers out there because we have had this discussion on many of our web boards.

How do we feel about cord blood banking?

Is it a legitimate concern or just another company trying to make money out of fear?

Do I find a way to pay $1500 (+ annual storage fee) because I will regret it in the future if our child gets sick?

I was 100% convinced that I was going to donate our child’s cord blood to stem cell research since I lost someone very near and dear to me to Lou Gehrig’s. Then, a friend whose husband is very sick told me that I MUST bank it for our child.

This seems like such a huge decision.

I feel like I will be a horrible mother if I don’t save his cord blood for some potentially vital need down the road.

Has anyone done it? Thought about it?

I want to hear people’s thoughts, whether or not we listen to them.

Lois won’t commit on a name.

She likes Trevor

I like Andrew

She thinks she likes Andrew

We’ll call him Drew for short

Keenan will be the middle name (probably)

Robinson will be the last name (pretty sure)

I thought we were pretty much “there” with a decision.

She just called me and before she said hello, said “What about Neil?”

Could this be prompted by news stories about Neil Patrick Harris?

I am beginning to get a little worried that she is looking at People.com for boy name ideas.

Dear Loey,

You are my rock.
You are my soul mate.
You are my best friend.
You do too much for me.
You are the love of my life.
You make me so incredibly happy.
You are the most perfect match for me.
You are the best thing that ever happened to me.
You are the most wonderful person I have ever met.

I love you…more.

Happy Birthday.

We are lying in bed right now and playing that game with the remote. I guess since our TV remote is curved, it sits perfectly on Loey's belly and our little guy just kicks away at it.

When we took the remote off, we started seeing some belly movement.

For the first time, we saw a bulge appear on the right side of her belly, he kicked a little, then moved back to the other side.

I don't know if it was a head, butt, foot or an elbow that was jutting out, but it was something.

He is very, very active. Some things we have read say you should feel the baby 10 times in 5 hours. He just moved about 37 times in the last 10 minutes.

Also, someone just told me that she broke a rib in the 8th month of her pregnancy when her son kicked a little too hard. I didn't know that was possible!

Shawna joined me on a trip up to Boston to see Kaden this weekend and he is doing WONDERFUL!

He has a little damage to his vocal cords and a bad cough, so his cries are quiet and hurtful, but he is trying so hard to keep smiling through everything. The surgery recovery has just been remarkable.

He is such a little trooper and such a strong little guy (he gets that from his mommy)!!

- - -

We decided to lie low today with a wonderful breakfast at the best breakfast restaurant on this side of Connecticut and spent the rest of the day at home.

Our little guy is moving a TON. I can feel the kicks - and watch them when he kicks at the remote - but I can't feel it yet when he moves and shifts. That part still freaks Lois out. She really wants to know what the heck he is doing in there.

And I am in the process of trying to get a commitment from Lois on nailing down a decision on a name. Those who know Lois know how hard it is to get a "nailed down decision" or a "commitment" on anything. (Love ya babe!)

We'll keep everyone in the loop.

This morning, Lois came up with a cute suggestion.

She laid on her back and placed the TV remote on her belly while Chubby was active.

For about 5 minutes, we watched as the remote was kicked again and again.

He definitely knows when to perform.